TPJ08 | Sympathy vs Empathy | 9.12.21

Empathy fuels a connection with somebody, and sympathy drives disconnection.

I think it's interesting that the first person who came along, I mean, he didn't even stop to look, says he saw the man, but I don't think he really saw the man.

Hello, fellow travelers, and welcome to another episode of the Prodigal Journey.On today's episode, we are going to talk about sympathy and empathy, and we're going to look at differences between the two and also look at which one is more biblical in its approach and give some practical examples of how we can practice this and live it out and maybe see some ways that. That we maybe miss the mark in these areas. Today we're going to have a special guest with us, my mom.So we're going to talk to her in a minute, so don't go anywhere. We'll be right back.

Dying for the sins of every man. It is done. Conquered on the cross through the son of God, the son of man.

All right, Mom. Welcome to the podcast again. How are you doing?

I'm doing well, thank you, and thanks for having me. I'm glad to be here. Good.

One of the reasons I wanted to kind of have you on the show for this episode is one because I think you are probably one of the more empathetic people that I know. I'm a little biased about that.But also, you'll be doing a ladies retreat pretty soon here that kind of touches on some of these things and just some discipleship things in general with some ladies. So I just wanted to have you on the show to talk about some of this. So let's get started. Now.Let's just start kind of with a working definition of these two things so we can kind of spring from there and see the differences between the two. Now, for sympathy, there's different nuances, I think, to these definitions that I've seen and just heard people talk about.So this just highlights some of the main differences so it doesn't get confusing. Now, sympathy is understanding what the other person is feeling, even without maybe not feeling it yourself.You can be moved by the thoughts and feelings of another person, but you just maintain an emotional distance from that person. And that's kind of a general understanding of what sympathy is. Do you have anything else that you would add to that, or.

No, I think that's a pretty complete definition.It's, you know, we see someone going through a struggle or a trial or something has happened to them, and we are moved by that, but we're not moved enough to go further with getting you know, to help them with what they need.

Yeah.And then empathy is feeling what another person is feeling, understanding their thoughts and feelings in a situation from their point of view rather than your own.And I think that happens a lot with sympathy is that we tend to view that person's situation and try to view it from our point of view instead of where they're at. And also there's. There's compassion as well, which flows out of empathy. It's just your feelings.You know, compassion is your feelings prompting you to take some type of action to help relieve the suffering for that other person. And we'll look at some examples of that a little later. And I think here's some examples of this.To take it a little further in the definitions, sympathy is, you know, seeing someone who's fallen into a hole, but you really stay on higher ground. You stay out of that hole and you're talking down to them.You try to make everything feel like, you know, you try to paint it with a silver lining on their situation instead of just acknowledging their pain and where they're at. You know, what do we typically do when someone is sick or has a friend or family member pass away?

We send sympathy cards.

Yeah. So it's just. I mean, it's. It's a nice gesture, but it's very. It's very disconnected in. In its motivation there. So that's an example.And then empathy, it's just when you have compassion and empathy, compassion is motivating us to take action. We climb down into the hole with that person, and, you know, empathy motivates us to feel with that person. We.We ask them questions about what they're feeling. We make ourselves vulnerable to connect with them in their pain.And we just recognize, you know, overall, we just recognize that that person's in pain without minimizing what they're feeling. And that's just some examples of the difference between the two.So really, when you look at it, empathy fuels a connection with somebody, and sympathy drives disconnection. So that's.

I think that's. That's a very good way to put it.

This is something I've been thinking about for a while, just because of some things that some of my close friends have been going through, and even us as a family, some things we've been experiencing. And just overall, growing up, just. I think a lot of the churches I grew up in, we. We saw sympathy but not a lot of empathy in those situations.And that's another reason I kind of wanted to touch on this, because I just Think a lot of people don't know what it looks like and you know, how to approach it from a biblical sense to, to really just make a connection with people.

It takes a lot of effort to make that connection. You. You have to think about it and you have to put yourself out there. It takes time, thought. And sometimes we are selfish. We just.We want to acknowledge that that person is struggling or has had a loss or a sickness or something. But then we're so busy with everything that we want to do that we don't take the time to really reach out and see what that other person needs.Whether it's on a physical, emotional, spiritual level. We. We're just too busy for that.

Yeah, for sure. And we'll talk about, we'll get into some of that with some of the application.So let, let's look at some biblical examples of empathy because that's really where we want to get our examples from and kind of see what that looks like when we think of the biblical side of this. The first example that I thought of, that I put down is the Good Samaritan in Luke, chapter 10.We won't read the whole passage, but, you know, in this passage, the Jewish man was traveling from Jerusalem to Jericho and he's attacked by bandits. He's been left half dead on the side of the road.And in verse 31, it says by chance a priest came along, but when he saw the man lying there, he crossed to the other side of the road and passed him by. A temple assistant walked over and looked at him lying there, but he also passed by on the other side. Then he does.Then a despised Samaritan came along. And when he saw the man, he felt compassion for him. Going over to him, the Samaritan soothed his wounds with olive oil and wine and bandaged them.Then he put the man on his own donkey and took him to an inn where. Where he took care of him. So here we see, you know, first the priest saw the man lying there and cross the other side.The temple assistant, he at least took the time to walk over and look at the Jewish man, but he still passed on and went to the other side. And it ended up being a Samaritan who was a people group despised by the Jews that actually stopped to help the man who was injured.I mean, here we see this Good Samaritan. He's put himself. I feel like he's put himself into the shoes of the Jewish man and been able to identify with what he was feeling.We're not given a lot of details, but that's okay. You know, maybe it's possible he had experienced something similar in his family, or maybe he had been beaten before and someone took care of him.We don't have those details, and like I said, that's okay. And we don't need to know the exact reason that.That he had compassion on the Jewish man, but we just see his example and that his compassion caused him to take action to help the Jewish man.

I think it's interesting that the first person who came along, I mean, he didn't even stop to look. So he never says he saw the man, but I don't think he really saw the man. He just didn't want to get involved, didn't really feel anything for him.Just maybe thought, oh, there's a guy lying there, something must have happened to him, and he walked on. And the other man cared enough to go and look at him.So maybe there was some sympathy there of, oh, I feel bad for him, but I got to get on my journey. I've still got a lot of walking to do today, and I don't really have the time to stop and see what really happened to him.And that it is really, as we look at the Samaritan who stopped, we can learn from him. Even though we don't have a full background, we. We still do know from history that Samaritans were not friends with the Jews.And so for him to overcome that and stop and have compassion was. That was a heart decision for him, I think. And he. He overcame those historically bad feelings between the two groups of people.And he walked over and he didn't see a Jew. He saw a man. A man who was half dead, had been beaten, probably lost most of his possessions to the robbers, and yet he saw a man.He didn't see a Jew. And I think that's really important for us.

Yeah, for sure. And there's so many different examples we could use that is just flowing throughout scripture. But one.One other specific example I want to use that focuses on Jesus. Jesus's example is one that you and you had brought to my attention.And we were talking about earlier, in Luke chapter seven, there's a widow with a son. You know, so she's lost her husband, but she has a son, and now she has lost her son.And verse 13 says, when the Lord saw her, his heart overflowed with compassion. So we kind of see here the first thing Jesus does when he gets there.You know, this big crowd is there, but the first thing he does when he gets There is. He notices the widow's pain, and he sees her and has compassion on her. So he just really enters into her space, shares the pain with her.But then this is really interesting, and I want to kind of focus on this a little bit after that. He says to her, he says, don't cry.So when we think of empathy, I think there's times where it's okay to recognize people's pain in allowing them to cry. But why do you think it is that he says here, don't cry to the lady?

I think part of it is because he. He's able to feel her anguish, her pain, her loss.And I think that we should be able to look at someone and feel that compassion for their loss and their pain. And he feels what she feels, but he's not lost in that like she is.He still has a certain amount that's separate from her, and that's why he's able to. To help her, because he feels that. But he's giving her hope. He knows that she has hope and that she has a reason to not weep anymore.And so he's feeling all those things, but he's yet a little bit separate from that because he knows she has hope. And she doesn't realize that yet. She hasn't seen that yet.

Yeah. And it doesn't say specifically in the passage that Jesus was not crying with them or with the lady.So I don't think necessarily that we can rule that out.But like you said, I think him saying that is showing his view of the future and the hope that she had in what, you know, the promises that he had made. She. So it's not necessarily. I don't think that he's pushing away the fact that she was crying.He's getting her to see the hope, you know, that he knows is coming and that he is fulfilled. And so I think that's really important to recognize that. And that's one reason I was listening to a podcast that touch on these two things as well.It's a podcast I listen to quite frequently from a guy who's from this area. But this specific one, I disagreed with him a little bit in this because his view was that sympathy is a more biblical approach than empathy. Because.And his biggest reason was that because sympathy, or when you have empathy toward a person, you run the risk of falling into the trap of maybe buying into maybe some of the lies that that person might be facing or believing at that time and not being able to keep the focus on the bigger picture like we see here. Jesus says, don't cry, but I kind of disagree with that in the sense that empathy is being.Empathy being the more biblical approach, because we see it from Christ's example so much, and we see here that he's empathetic, he's compassionate, but he's. He's still seeing the bigger picture and not falling into that trap one, because he's God, but he's showing that example.And I remember, I really feel like empathy, I mean, Jesus was the ultimate example of empathy. You know, he walked among the people and showed them what real love and compassion looks like. So I think it's important to make that distinction.There's a couple of things I want to focus on here. These, these four qualities of empathy, these aren't original to me, but they're ones that I found.So I kind of want to focus on them because I like these, this idea, these qualities. They come from Teresa Wiseman, who's a nursing scholar, and she studied diverse professions where empathy is relevant to that type of job.And she came up with four qualities of empathy. They're. It's perspective taking, staying out of judgment, recognizing emotion in other people, and being able to communicate that.And I really like this from the practical sense and what we'll talk about a little bit here, about just some application for us as we think about ways to, to practice empathy, but specifically this first one, perspective taking.Let's apply this back to that passage in Luke 7, because in that time, in those biblical times, traditionally you would see mourners who were hired to follow the procession of the funeral by playing instruments, mourning, chanting, etc. All these things.So I think this is an example historically of people being sympathetic, but not really having empathy for the person who is hurting, because they're just there. They didn't have. They didn't add any real emotional support to the widow or her family.So I think that's a good example here of, you know, where sympathy plays a part in that passage, even though it's not mentioned in this passage. But this was a typical traditional thing that happened in those times.

Yeah, those people probably didn't even really know too much about that lady. They were hired to come along and, and just play their instruments and chant. And most of them would chant, weep no more. Weep no more.And so they may have been sympathetic to her plight and her loss, but they really weren't in her space, in her world. They were just outside of it, just observing and following and basically doing what those hired mourners had done for years.

Yeah. And so, and typically with, you know, when people, when we think about being empathetic, you know, someone has a situation and they're just.They're feeling stuck and overwhelmed. And like we said earlier, empathy is climbing down into the. Into that hole with the person and saying, you know, just saying, hey, I know.I know what it's like to be down here.So empathy for us is just a very vulnerable choice, and it requires us to find something inside ourselves that makes a connection with that person, whether you've experienced something very similar to their situation or just identifying an emotion that. That they're feeling that helps you connect with that person.

Jesus, obviously, is our example throughout Scripture of the love and the compassion that he had for people as he met them.He always met them where they were just like, going into the city with this huge group of people and her funeral procession for her son coming out and meeting her right where she was, in the middle of her grief, in the middle of her loss. And then he. He proceeds to bring hope and compassion to her life.

Yeah.And then when you think about sympathy from this idea of perspective, taking the opposite of that is sympathy tries to paint a silver lining on the other person's experience and their pain. And I kind of want to touch on this because I feel like a lot of the churches that we. That I grew up in, you know, this.This was very typical where people would try to offer past spiritual answers or verses without really connecting to where you are in your pain and your experience.And so a sympathetic person, I feel like this is something where the sympathetic person will divert your attention away from those emotions and the pain that you're feeling. And I think one typical thing you'll hear a lot is people will qualify whatever you're telling them with at least.And we were laughing about this earlier because we were watching a video that was. That was sharing this. And so you might tell somebody, you know, hey, I. Maybe you. You lost. Lost a child.And, you know, a sympathetic person will say, well, at least you're able to get pregnant. Or maybe you're having issues with one of your children at school. And, you know, they say, well, at least your other child is a good student.And so there's always this qualifying thing with at least where they're diverting your attention away from your emotions and your experience in that. Me, specifically, where this has happened.One of the things that's always stood out to me in one of my situations is when Tiffany and I were expecting our first child and we had the miscarriage. One of the Things that people. There was a couple things, whether intentionally or not, that people said that was really hurtful.And one of the things that stood out my mind the most was that somebody had said to us, well, it'll be okay, because God maybe was saving that child from some type of mental disability or some type of disability. Almost like if the child was born with a disability, that we would. Would not have been accepting of that child.And that's just one thing in my mind that stands out specifically of a situation where that was the case. And can you think of anything specifically, examples?

Personally, I don't know if I've got one right at the tip of my tongue.But, I mean, we've had people say at least, you know, when things have happened, you know, well, you know, that person's in heaven, or, you know, that the. This was for the best, or those kinds of things. I find it interesting that when Jesus connected with that woman and he.It says his heart went out to her and he had compassion, that the only thing he said to her was, don't cry. And I was thinking about how we often say that, you know, kid comes in, he's scraped his knee, and we say, don't cry. It'll be okay.Because we know that it really will be okay in that situation. Jesus knows that that woman has reason for hope. She just doesn't know it yet. And that's the only thing he said to her.He didn't say, well, this was for the best, or, well, someone will take care of you. She was facing poverty, no way to support herself. And he didn't say a thing about any of that.He just quietly, in the midst of that huge crowd that was meeting, coming and going into the city, he just walked over her and he simply touched the coffin and he spoke to that boy. And the only thing he ever said to her was, don't cry. Because he knew hope was there. And so he didn't try to.To make it any better by saying things that weren't necessary.

Exactly.So when we think of this, you know, first one here, perspective taking, it's seeing that situation from the hurting person's perspective and not our own situation. Although to identify with them and recognize the emotion in the other people, we have to connect with them through our own circumstances.So this second one here stay not of judgment in the Luke 7 passage.It doesn't tell us specifically, but I can imagine that there were people who were judging the widow, maybe thinking that she did something to deserve losing her husband and her son or, you know, Something happened that caused this. She did something that caused this to happen. So that's, that's where we can take on this second one here.Staying out of judgment is not reading things into the situation. I mean, it's very possible that it could have. That person is experiencing something that came out of consequences of sin.But I still feel like staying out of judgment is important for us because it's not going to be helpful to that person.I mean, if, as long if they've realized that these are consequences of sin, we can still identify with them and, you know, help them move forward through that.

I think we've all had trials and struggles as a result of our own sin. So we're all familiar with those struggles that we cause. We're not really told, you know, how the lady lost her husband, but she is a widow.And really for her, she was looking at poverty because there was no one to support her.So that would be like the equivalent of us losing our Social Security or our Medicare or all those things that, you know, we're looking to for support.So likely there was some guilt there for her because they did believe that the premature death of a child was to, because of it was a punishment for sin. So that was a strongly held tradition for them.And then you always have the, the gossips who were probably going around, oh, I wonder what she did to deserve losing, you know, everything, because now she's got no one to take care of her. So we do, we do have to be careful that we don't look at someone and try to judge why that person is going through that trial.We wouldn't want that in our own life. We wouldn't want someone looking at us and saying, oh, they must have done something really awful to be in this trial. No.You know, God uses those trials. And God had a plan. She didn't know it. She didn't know what Jesus was going to do for her that day when she was walking out to bury her son.But God knew and he was going to use that, you know, in her life.

Yeah. And then the third quality here, recognizing emotion and other people.So like we said before, just being able to connect with that person and asking them questions about what they're feeling and just listening. And then that fourth, one, fourth quality of empathy, being able to communicate that.And the one thing I want to say about this is being able, I feel like being able to communicate doesn't necessarily mean you have to always have an answer for that person.It means also being able to communicate to them that you Understand the emotions they are feeling and don't try to invalidate those feelings that they're having.

Right. We won't. We won't always have the answer. We have the truth. We have the scripture.But when we sit with someone and they've shared with us a struggle or a difficulty, we might not at that moment have an answer for them. And we want to be careful that we don't just say things just to be saying things.Because we feel in that moment like, oh, there must be something I'm supposed to say.It is about just listening and then, you know, being able to say to them, truthfully, I don't have an answer for you, but I'm so glad you shared that with me. And then going on from there, let's.

Kind of start to bring this to a close and let's. Let's just talk about some practical ways and what this look like, looks like for us. Because empathy, it's very much a practice.It's not just something that comes natural to us. But also empathy is not just always meeting the emotional and spiritual needs for somebody.Like we see in the Luke 7 example that we've been talking about. The son, you know, he had a physical need. He had passed away. The widow had a spiritual and emotional need that needed met.But having said that, you know, if it's done with the right heart and the right motivation, I think that the emotional, spiritual and physical needs all connects.When you care, if you're just, you know, saying you're caring for someone's physical needs or emotional needs, I feel like all those things, you know, when it's done in the right motivation, those things all connect together. Because really, when we think about it, empathy is like you were saying earlier, before we started recording, empathy is life touching life.It's just doing life with other people, being connected to other people. It's really the way that God designed it. And it follows his example throughout Scripture and what he did for people.And like I said, it has to be practice. It doesn't just come naturally. So as we think about this, what are some practical ways for us to do life with other people?

I think sometimes you think about the practical things, and then sometimes meeting those practical needs that someone has will allow us to move on, then build a bridge, a connection with that person that allows us to step in and then help them emotionally and spiritually as we build that connection in practical ways, for me are like, you know, I think all of us are familiar with taking a meal to someone. You know, they've Had a new baby, they've had a loss, they've been sick. You know, I've.That's one thing that I do on a consistent basis, because for me, it's easy. That's my passion. I love food, love to cook.And as soon as we find out about a need, my husband will say, when do you want to go to the grocery store? Because he just knows that that's the first place that I will reach out to someone. And, you know, there's other practical ways, too.It doesn't have to be a meal if you're not a great cook or you don't like to cook. You know, there's other ways that you can reach out.Maybe someone just needs you to come by and take out their trash or vacuum their floors or go to the grocery store for them. Maybe they just need you to come by when the kids are napping and bring a dessert and just sit and chat and have.Let them have some fellowship time with someone, you know, other than a new baby. And just. You have to find those connections, and you have to be in tune with the Holy Spirit. You have to let God lead you.As those connections become available. You can't let fear hold you back. And you can't be afraid of being transparent. You just need to.To go when those moments come available where you say, I can meet that particular need, and then pray that the Lord gives you other opportunities, you know, to make other connections with that person.

Yeah. So. And like we said, I think. And you don't want it to be something where you're just.Just doing the meeting the physical needs without having that spiritual side of it, an emotional side of. As well, taking the time to identify with that person. Because I. I feel like growing up, I saw a lot of examples of sympathy where people.I mean, that was the biggest thing we always saw. People would bring you a meal, send you a sympathy card, or you, you know, things like that. But that's really where it stopped.It didn't go beyond that into anything like making any type of connection with those people.And, you know, that's another reason why I feel like empathy is the more biblical approach is because I've seen sympathy modeled so much in people in churches growing up. And it just left me wondering, like, this can't be all this is about.And it just felt very impersonal, almost like it was a duty that they had to do and not really just making that connection with where people were at.

And I think part of that reason is they. They felt the need to to do those things.But then fear or other things holds them back from really allowing themselves to make that other connection on an emotional, spiritual level. And God wants us to be the answer to someone's prayer.And I think if we're going to be truly compassionate and follow the example of Christ, then we need to be able to step out when that need arises.We need to be able to just sit beside someone, cry with them, pray with them, not feel like we have to give them all the answers to why things have happened, but just to be able to sit with them and, and let God do a work through us. And, you know, God changes us when we do those things. He can meet the needs of people, but God also changes our hearts as we reach out and we.We touch other lives. God changes us and he gives us wisdom and direction when those moments come and he wants us to step out and do those things.

I'm really glad you mentioned that because you said about God giving us wisdom to pursue those things, because when I think of sympathy, I see sympathy as very much a very passive thing, very uninvolved. We said earlier, it's very disconnected. It feels disconnection. And I feel like empathy is very much an active pursuit of that other person.Because I think that when. When someone is in that. That deep hole that they're in, they're not going to come seek you out like they're in this hole.So empathy is very much an active pursuit of that person.

Yes. If I could leave you with one thing, it would be to remove the words, what can I do for you?Call me if you need me or let me know if you need anything. Just remove those from your vocabulary. Nobody is going to call you. At least not in my experience.No one's going to pick up the phone and say, I could really use some help with my laundry. I'm really underneath it today. Or I could really use someone to go to the grocery store.My approach in these last years has been to say, when I find out someone in our group is sick, I send them a message and I say, I'd like to bring you some dinner. Would you rather have it Thursday or Friday night? And I let them make the choice. I don't say, well, call me if you want something or need anything.I think it's about being very sensitive and not expecting that person to reach out to us, but us going after that person and meeting that need. Because obviously if they're sick or they've had a loss or whatever that is, they have a need. And God wants us to meet that. So step out.Don't ask them if you can. Just tell them I'm coming, here's what I'm bringing. Here's what I can do for you, and then let God use you in that way.

Yeah, and I know there's been times, too, where, I mean, even something as simple as you guys have gone over and just cleaned somebody's house for them because they were just in a situation where they were so overwhelmed and just almost felt like they couldn't function, that you're just like, hey, we're going to come over. You have this need. We're just going to clean your house for you and minister to you in that way.

Yeah. And, you know, I'm not saying you won't have some resisters. You will. You might have someone that will say, oh, no, no, no, no, don't bring me.No, don't come. But don't give up on them either. Because sometimes people's pride or just their trial is not allowing them to think as clearly as they could.So don't give up on them. They might refuse your offer of a meal, but keep at it. Don't give up on them. You know, just continue to let God use you. And.And then, you know, you just have to build a bridge a little further sometimes with some people than others. And don't. Don't be afraid. Just. Just do it.

I think too, sometimes there's some shame involved when we have those needs that we need help with something. We just sometimes feel that shame, like somehow we're a failure or we've done something wrong.And so I think that kind of prevents us from wanting to accept that help. Sometimes it does.

But. But God will help you build that bridge. And just don't give up on those people who.Who are so overwhelmed that they don't know how to accept the help from you. Just keep. Keep at it. Keep working with them and let God use you.

Thanks for tuning in to the Prodigal Journey, where we celebrate Christ's power through our weakness. This podcast is available on all major platforms, so be sure you go and subscribe or leave us a review.Also, if you'd like to reach out, you can reach me back Ben@theprodigaljourney.com that's Ben@theprodigaljourney dot com. Tune in next time to the Prodigal Journey.The commercials at the beginning of the podcast are pre generated by the audio hosting site and do not necessarily reflect the views of the Journey Podcast Network. Sam.