TPJ15 | The Pornified Style of Relating: Part 1 | 2.12.23

The answer to curing sexual brokenness isn't encouraging a wife to transfer the husband's brokenness to her. None of this is done without turning to Christ over and over and allowing him to work in our hearts.Welcome to the Prodigal Journey, where we celebrate Christ's power through our weakness. And thank you for joining us on this episode.Before we dive into the content on on this episode, I just want to point out a couple of our sponsors and partners. First of all, Covenant Eyes. Covenant Eyes is the pioneer of Internet and screen accountability.In a culture that continues to grow in its stance against the family and so much of our culture being fueled by harmful imagery, we need a company like Covenant Eyes to help us in the fight to keep our families safe. So go check out Covenant Eyes.com for more information.And if you want to sign up for a new account, you need to go to their website to use the promo code. 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Before we start though, I want to say just a sensitive content disclaimer.On this episode, we will be talking about some sensitive topics such as pornography and sexual brokenness that may not be suitable for all audiences. So we just want to put that out there ahead of time. We're going to dive into some things today and talk talk about the pornified style of relating.Now, this style of relating is how someone relates to other people because of porn use, which is incredibly unhealthy.And I also, in this episode, just want to discuss how this pornified style of relating can be redeemed into a healthier style of connecting with others. Now I Do want to preface by saying this?I did grow up in a denomination where I never once heard a man talk about this type of struggle in relation to pornography or sexual struggles. And, I mean, if I reflect back on that time, I'm pretty sure I almost never heard a man talk about any type of spiritual struggle in general.The only people I was getting any type of spiritual discipleship from were my parents. But even that I rebelled against.And overall, I was not being discipled by men in my church and was left looking for discipleship in other places, many of those places being very unhealthy. Now, one of those places that I did go looking to be my primary teacher in my sexual development was pornography.And one of the consequences that grew out of those decisions, it had great effects on my life in the ways I was relating to other people, how I was treating other people, and I was not living in the freedom that God had created me for. So when we talk about that phrase, the pornified style of relating, sometimes it's referred to as the psr, but this is not original to me.I did get this from a therapist and author by the name of Andrew Bauman.His writing I came across last year sometime just when I was beginning to question a lot of the teachings that I grew up with and just my interaction with women and trying to be a healthy man. So I came across his writing and his writing and his teaching has greatly influenced my life in the last year or so.And it has just helped to point me back to so much about God's glory and the freedom that we were created for in order to more fully honor and glorify God. So we will have a link in the show notes for this book that this PSR came from.That book is called the Psychology of Porn, and it's a collection of essays that he wrote. But we will also include some other links to his other books as well, just on how to become a safe and healthy man that women can be around.All right, now, this pornified style of relating that he has come up with, this list might not necessarily be exhaustive, but there are six ways that a pornified style of relating can affect our lives and the way we interact with others.These ways can affect us consciously or unconsciously, but we will look at the unhealthy way and then we'll talk about what the PSR looks like when it is redeemed and restored in a healthy relationship.Now, because there is six of these, we're going to do one episode with the first three, and then we will do another episode with 4, 5 and 6 just because it's a lot of information and a just want to split it up so it's easier to think through and just apply it to your life as well and not be overwhelming. So the first one in the pornified style of relating the unhealthy way is control. So when you are watching pornography, you are the only one.Typically, it's just you and the images. You don't have to think about someone else's feelings and emotions. You don't have to connect with them on different levels.It's simply you by yourself controlling everything and how it will happen. So Andrew says in his book this creates an innate selfishness and an unconscious desire for absolute control over intimate relationships.So what is the redeemed sexuality of control? The redeemed form of control is freedom, moving from control to freedom.Freedom is living in the freedom of intimacy and connecting with a real person. It is becoming someone who honors beauty and does not devour beauty. There is a maturity involved in living in freedom and not control.You are living in freedom with another real person in mutuality. So let me give an example of this just to help spell this out a little better.When my wife and I were first dating, and even throughout the whole dating process, she had moments where she was dealing with trauma and effects from her previous marriage that she just didn't know would come up until she was in a healthy relationship. And some types of healing can't take place until you are in a healthy relationship. So she would have times when this would come up.So for me to live in freedom instead of control, I was able to tell her that, you know, it's okay, healing takes time. And I I'll still be right here. I'm not going anywhere. This for me was a level of sacrifice that I had not shown before.I was giving up control and I was serving her and walking with her through whatever she was facing. Without her needing to be a certain way for my comfort, I was free to love her regardless of her response or what she could give me.I also was trying not to let our physical intimacy or any type of physical intimacy drive my interactions with her. So it means that I had to interact with her and not expect anything in return. And that is what it looks like to give up control and live in freedom.There are so many other examples that we could talk about, but I just want you to think through your own examples in your life. Because love does not demand its own way. And we know that from scripture.The second unhealthy way of relating in the pornified style of relating is objectification. Over time, the more and more you look at images and parts of bodies, you become desensitized.It becomes all about an image or a specific body part and not the person as a whole being created for beauty by the Creator himself. What drives the objectification even deeper?These people that are part of the images, we don't know their names, we don't know their stories, so they just become an image for our own sinful gratification. We don't associate the images with a real person that has a soul.And this type of behavior eventually leads to someone not being able to connect in any real relationships. This does not lead to any stability. And then we use people for our own purposes, and then we get rid of them.Just like the images in pornography, we end up doing that in relationships. The images that we have been looking at have been doctored and made to look perfect.So it just becomes ingrained in our brains that we need to find that in a relationship. And obviously we know that no one is perfect.So when we don't find that, we just move on to the next person because we have not learned to create a deeper connection. So what does the healthy style of relating look like on the other side of objectification?The redeemed part of that is moving from objectification to honor. Our significant other becomes someone we view as a whole being and not just someone we look at to objectify and piece out their body parts.We care about every part of them, not just the physical parts. We value their opinions, their likes and dislikes, their emotions.And we recognize the image of God and his beauty in that person, and that brings honor for this one. I have a bad example and a good example.And I only bring up the bad example because this happened to come up recently in a conversation I was having and just some other things I was listening to. But there are some things being taught on this very subject that are very dangerous.I have had it said to me before in churches by other men, unfortunately. And it is being made very popular by Christian authors who are writing marriage books.And it is my prayer that we just learn to filter through that stuff through a scriptural lens and learn how to better interpret these books and things that are being taught.I mean, these are even books that are being praised by churches and being used for marriage counseling, while in reality, these things being taught are dangerous for both men and women.So one extreme popular Christian marriage book that I came across that came out in the last Year says that the woman needs to make things more spicy by sending risque or nude photos to her husband. And doing that will rewire the networking in the man's brain to keep him from watching porn so that he will only desire his wife.I don't even know how else to say it, but this is a dangerous teaching that potentially coerces women to do something they may not be comfortable with, with the end goal of somehow keeping their husbands from going elsewhere. This is basically a fear tactic people use to manipulate others.And also, I just firmly believe that sending those type of pictures actually makes things worse. It continues the objectification instead of honor. It is still just piecing out the body instead of viewing someone as a whole being.Now, I know some of you might be thinking, okay, wait, we know that the Bible says that I have complete freedom inside my marriage to enjoy these types of things. Okay, I get it. I understand what the Bible teaches about the freedoms that we are allowed to enjoy inside a marriage.But my question to you is, is it really enjoying complete freedom? Have you talked through it with your wife? Or are you just demanding that this is something you guys should enjoy?This might be a deeper conversation for another episode.So I don't necessarily want to spend too much time here on this topic because I really want to make sure we address the bigger problem with these types of teachings. The answer to curing sexual brokenness isn't encouraging a wife to transfer the husband's brokenness to her. Let me say that again.The answer to curing sexual brokenness isn't encouraging a wife to transfer the husband's brokenness to her. In other words, it doesn't matter how much or how often a wife would send these types of pictures to her husband.It will in no way rewire the networking in your husband's brain so that he only looks at you. I don't want you to miss this.These types of teachings are so dangerous and they continue to fuel abusive marriages that are not living out their full potential that God has intended for them. The reason that this is so dangerous is because they continue to address behaviors and not the heart.It doesn't matter how much a married couple does this. I'm just going to say it.If your husband's heart is not being moved by the Holy Spirit and he is not walking in repentance and looking to honor and glorify God, he will continue to struggle with lust. And a wife's behavior will not change a husband's heart.And I just like to encourage us all to to be able to spot these types of teachings that try to cure sin with behavior modification, or worse, forcing someone else to behave the way we think we need them to so we don't sin.I could say much more here, especially about false teachings and unhelpful teachings, but we want to move on to redeeming the objectification with honor. And I need to mention, none of this is done without turning to Christ over and over and allowing him to work in our hearts.So it's not about someone else changing the behavior of their spouse by the things they do. It's about turning to Christ over and over and allowing him to work in our hearts. And these are just simply examples of what this can look like.And I know that was a lot of information for that one. And we do plan on actually doing another episode sometime in the next couple of episodes that kind of dives into some of these teachings.And we're going to see it from a women's perspective.We're going to have my wife come on and we're going to talk through some of these types of teachings and how it makes a woman feel and what thinking she goes through from a woman's perspective when she hears these types of things. So make sure you look out for that episode. It'll be coming soon. So what does it look like to move from objectification to honor?Let me give another personal example of this.During times when my wife was feeling sick or not feeling pretty, or there's times when she's just feeling the brokenness of life, I try to do my best to encourage her and connect with her in ways that are honoring to her and not objectifying.When she comes home from our discipleship recovery program on Tuesday nights at our church, I know that that is probably not the best time for us to try to engage in deep conversation.And that's just because with the role she plays at the recovery program as being one of the leaders there, she just carries a lot of weight on those nights. And she talks to a lot of people and it's just the nature of that program.And she can just feel the weight of people battling sin and fighting for change in their hearts. So usually I try not to interact on a deeper level on those types of nights. But usually I just.I try to make her tea or just sit with her and talk about nothing serious, or we laugh together, or we just sit in silence and read or play a game on our phones. We just try to unwind from all the mental stress and pressure that is coming off of those type of nights.And I just try to care for her in ways that are not expecting anything in return and seeking to just honor other connections with her, like her mind, her emotions, and things like that. So the third pornified style of relating is speed.Andrew says in the book the rapid pace of relationships comes to resemble the quick climax of intensity around pornography.The rush and thrill of not getting exposed, an urgency for consummation, and ultimately an abrupt, an inevitable ending, normally with shame attached. This type of behavior and way of relating just cannot sustain itself. It always leads to short term relationships.And this way of relating gives you all the the fast pace without allowing time to grow deeply in a relationship with someone. It doesn't allow for people to connect spiritually or intellectually or any other levels.So what does it look like to live on the redeemed side of speed? It is moving from speed to gradual. So what does that mean exactly? Well, a gradual style of relating allows for two people to grow in important areas.It allows for people to be vulnerable and connect to each other's souls. And it just brings a balance of all the different types of connections like pain and growth and laughter and tears and joy or whatever it may be.It just allows for people to be honest, open and transparent about struggles. And this is important not to miss because we need to let intimacy lag behind some of these other important connections.Because if we lead with intimacy in a relationship, it will cloud judgment and it will not allow for people to be objective in evaluating whether or not a relationship is even sustainable. So letting intimacy lag behind just allows for people to evaluate, do I even enjoy being around this person?Or do all we ever do is physical and make out or whatever it may be.So that's important in evaluating that relationship, is to let intimacy, even emotional intimacy, not just physical, but letting the intimacy lag behind the other connections. Let me give another personal example. The first date my wife and I went on, we went to a local coffee place and we just talked.We had known each other for a little while before the first date.And even though we had done some fun things and some fun dates together, most of the time we just spent talking, especially in those first couple months, and just getting to know each other on a deeper level. And we also both did serve at our church's discipleship recovery program. So we weren't just going on dates, we weren't just talking.We were also getting to see how each other served in different contexts. And we got to see how each other interacted with friends and other people in those different settings.So we definitely took a gradual approach and just again, we let intimacy lag behind because trust is built over time.And even in those first few months before we had even defined what the relationship was, we had not kissed each other and we just, again, we let that intimacy lag behind.We allowed the physical and emotional intimacy to lag behind the commitment and the trust and building that because we had both never had that before and we wanted something healthy and something that was sustainable. So that is what it looks like to redeem speed to gradual I appreciate you guys tuning into this episode.On this one, again, we walked through the first three things connected to a pornified style of relating.In the next episode, we will walk through the last three of those and give examples of those as well and what it looks like to redeem those unhealthy things and unhealthy ways of relating to other people in a relationship. All right, thanks for tuning in. Thanks for tuning in to the Prodigal Journey, where we celebrate Break Christ's Power through our weakness.This podcast is available on all major platforms, so be sure you go and subscribe or leave us a review.Also, if you'd like to reach out, you can reach me Ben at the prodigal journey.com that's Ben at the prodigal journey.com tune in next time to the Prodigal Journey.The commercials at the beginning of the podcast are pre generated by the audio hosting site and do not necessarily reflect the views of the Journey Podcast Network. Sam.