TPJ16 | The Pornified Style of Relating: Part 2 | 2.26.23

Love is fraught with all kinds of problems.The most fundamental problem is that my deep need to feel loved is in direct conflict with my deep fear of being known.Jesus didn't stand at the mouth of the cave and call me out like Lazarus.Instead, Jesus came all the way down into the cave to sit with me in the darkness.When Jesus does that, there's nowhere to run.Welcome to the Prodigal Journey, where we celebrate Christ's power through our weakness.And thank you for joining us on this episode.Welcome to another episode.Before we dive into part two of our series and the pornified style of relating, I just want to point out some of our partners again.One of our partners, Covenant Eyes, they are the pioneer of Internet and screen accountability.We are in a culture today that continues to grow in its stance against the family and so much of our culture is fueled by harmful imagery.So we do need a partner like Covenant Eyes to help us in the fight to keep our families safe.So you can go check them out@CovenantEyes.com for more information.If you go to their website, you can enter the promo code Prodigal to get your first 30 days for free.That's CovenantEyes.com and enter the promo code Prodigal to get your first 30 days for free.Today's episode is also sponsored by Lighthouse Studio Productions.If you want to start a podcast but don't want to spend the money on equipment, then Lighthouse Studio Productions is for you.They specialize in audio production so you can focus on great content for your listeners.They offer a variety of time slots based on your recording needs and pricing.Includes a hosting site for your audio.Lighthouse Studio Productions has produced several podcasts including this one, so email ben lighthousestudioproductions.com for more information.Maybe you record the audio yourself, but you really want somebody to edit the audio for you.We also provide that service as well, so email us benighthouse studio productions.com for more information.All right, I just want to give another sensitive content disclaimer.This is part two in our series.So on this episode we will be talking about sensitive topics such as pornography and sexual brokenness that may not be suitable for all audiences.So part two of this two part series on the pornified style of relating.In part one, in our last episode we walked through the first three of six ways of relating.So in this episode we are discussing the last three ways that pornography negatively affects how you relate to others and how the pornified style of relating can be redeemed into a healthier Style of Connection for those of you who missed part one, the pornified style of relating is how an individual relates to others in incredibly unhealthy ways because of porn use.There are links in the show notes for the book that these are from, as well as links to some of Andrew Bauman's other books.So I encourage you to check those out in the show notes.And as I mentioned in the last episode, one of the places I went looking to be my primary teacher in my sexual development was pornography.And one of the consequences that grew out of those decisions had great effects on my life in ways I related to other people.And I just was not living in the freedom that God had created me for.Galatians 5 tells us, so Christ has truly set us free.Now make sure that you stay free and don't get tied up again in slavery to the law.So I really feel like as we walk through these different unhealthy ways of relating and how they can be redeemed, we we can truly walk in that freedom that Christ has set us free to live in.So let's quickly just review the first three unhealthy styles of relating and what their counterparts were.First one we looked at was moving from control to freedom.Secondly, it was moving from objectification to honor.And then thirdly, it was moving from speed to gradual.Now moving into this fourth unhealthy category in the PSR is hunger.Andrew Bauman says that with hunger there is a frantic need that must be filled by the other.This cavernous need consumes and devours both partners in an attempt to mend something broken inside.This is seen many times in a relationship that is codependent on the other person.Two people, they can become so enmeshed that they lose their identity and who they are and they just consume each other.If you did catch part one in this series, you are probably noticing the pattern showing up in the unhealthy ways of relating to people.Unhealthy relating styles consume another person, using them, depleting them.And the healthy ways of relating honors it, restores it refreshes, and it strengthens and delights in.So how do we move from hunger to to a healthy style of relating?And what does that look like?So the opposite of hunger in a redeemed sense is moving from hunger to desire.Andrew also says in the book a litmus test you can try when considering a relationship or when you want to know if you are acting out a PSR would be to recite this sentence, I want you, but I Do not need you to be okay.Desire is about knowing that you want the other person but that you do not need them.In order for you to be okay, you are not elevating that person to the place of God.Hunger takes away individuality while desire allows for you to keep your individuality and the other person does not define who you are.Now here's an example of this.In my previous marriage, my entire identity was wrapped up in my ex wife.I had given up things that were a part of my identity and who I was so that when the divorce happened, I didn't know who I was anymore.I didn't know my likes, my dislikes, anything.So I was left trying to rediscover who I really was.Hunger affected my identity so much so that I was not okay based on how my ex wife treated me.Even to the point that I based God's love for me on whether or not my ex wife loved me or how she treated me at that time.Now, thankfully, God has redeemed my former state.I desire and want my wife, but I don't need her in order for me to be okay.My identity is found in who God says I am and what he has done for me.This is living in true freedom.We both know that we can leave each other in God's hands and that we aren't responsible for fixing the other person.Now, we don't do this perfectly but consistently through daily reliance on God.All right.Number five is isolation.Pornography breeds isolation.There is no question about it.This isolation.It drives us away from any type of authentic relationships and being able to interact with others.Pornography secludes people.It separates us from others and it keeps us alone in hiding.Keeps us hiding from others and hiding our secrets.And our sexuality is developed in seclusion and isolation.Everything remains hidden.And no matter what we think, it cannot stay hidden for very long.No matter how hard we try or no matter how much we think we are different from somebody else, it cannot stay hidden.It actually all comes crashing down.We think we can keep our fantasy lives hidden and separate from our real lives.But we were not created to live in this way.So eventually the hidden life is.It becomes exposed in the light.Now I say eventually they crash together.But even though we don't realize it, in reality, they are crashing together the whole time, fighting against each other.And when we finally realize we were exposed the whole time, that can be a very good catalyst for change in our lives and our hearts.So what is the redeemed style of relating to isolation?It is moving from isolation to communion or community.This is living in community with others.It's about us being open.It's about being honest and transparent about our sexuality.Living in communion opens the door for someone to see the real you.Now this can be difficult because no matter who we are, we fear rejection.What if someone rejects me for being the real me?Listen to this quote from a book called Red Like Confrontations with Grace and I will include a link for the book in the show notes as well.The book says love is fraught with all kinds of problems.The most fundamental problem is that my deep need to feel loved is in direct conflict with my deep fear of being known.You have felt deep down that longing to be loved and that fear of being known.It is like being made to live in water and not being able to swim.If you really know me, will you love me?I doubt it because put in your place, I wouldn't love me either.I long for the experience of really being loved and yet all I give is the image of myself I hope others will find most attractive.The love I feel from others is muted at best simply because I know that the person they love is not the person I am.Inside of me are smaller and smaller me's until there is one that is so small and homely that it never feels the love it craves.I merely pretend to be me so I can pretend to be loved and I starve.But here is the good news.Don't miss this.It continues to say, the most amazing thing about the gospel is that God claims to know the smallest me, the small troll like me that never comes out in the light.And he loves me in spite of myself.Jesus didn't stand at the mouth of the cave and call me out like Lazarus.Instead, Jesus came all the way down into the cave to sit with me in the darkness.When Jesus does that, there's nowhere to run.Now let me give an example of this one.I tend to be more of an introverted person, so this one can be hard for me and especially as men and the way I grew up.You never talked about your sexuality or struggles in general.It was just a very private thing.But that has been part of the problem.We have been taught to think as men that talking about our sexuality and brokenness is not being a real man, which can breed the isolation and secrecy which continues to fuel the PSR cycle of sin when we really need community around us and we need to be vulnerable.Now when I talk to other men and I open up, I feel A freedom that I don't get from being isolated.Now, that being said, you need to surround yourself with safe people, people who are trustworthy and are vulnerable with you as well.You can't just find any random person to be vulnerable with, because if their lives are not being transformed by the gospel as well, then they will reject you or they will judge you or give unwise advice.And all of that can possibly move you back into more isolation.So, number six, the last one is fantasy.Fantasy is the unhealthy style of relating.It is escaping what is real.It is looking to disconnect from the realities of life, whether it be the hardships, pain, stress, anxiety, depression, or whatever it may be.And fantasy doesn't always come from hardships or bad things.Sometimes we do use fantasy as a way to, quote, unquote, reward ourselves when something good happens.But it is only a temporary relief.It is not a world you can live in permanently.At some point, you have to return to reality.Andrew Bauman says in his book, while healthy relationships live in the truth, pornography helps bolster a life of fantasy that is difficult to undo.Fantasy brings relief, but does not bring restoration.Let me say that sentence again.Fantasy brings relief, but does not bring restoration.Redemption through Christ restores us, which provides a lasting peace that only God can give.So what does the healthy style of relating look like compared to fantasy?It is moving from fantasy to authenticity.Living in authenticity takes two people who are committed to being honest, vulnerable, and transparent.Authenticity is being able to voice concerns, struggles, or sin in the other person without fear of backlash.Now, if one person is living out a psr, you just will not be able to work through issues, concerns, dreams, goals, or whatever it may be.The person living out a PSR will always be defensive, not committed to change, and not able to live in a way that is honoring to God.So that's definitely something to look for in your relationship with someone, whether you're dating or you're married or you're looking to date and someone's interested in you.So those are just some things to look for throughout your conversations with that person.Now, here's an example.In my past, when something would be brought up about my sin, I would escape to my fantasy world because there I didn't have to be confronted with the real me.I could be whoever I wanted to be, and I was in control of that narrative.In my fantasy world, I was perfect and never rejected.So how do I live in repentance from that?Well, when my wife brings up a concern or something I did wrong or something I might have said that was not communicated in the right way.I try not to be defensive.I don't always do it perfectly.But for me, living in repentance looks like receiving healthy criticism and looking to grow closer to God and my wife.It looks like actually seeking out healthy criticism instead of just waiting for it or asking for feedback and acting on that.So those are ways for me that I can live in repentance from escaping to that fantasy world.I appreciate you guys joining us on this episode.It is my prayer that you can take these categories and apply them to your own life and even use them to evaluate the relationships in your life where at whatever stage that may look like the questions I would leave you with Are you living out a pornified style of relating or are you living in a redeemed style of relating that reflects the beauty and the glory and the freedom that God really intends for us to live in?So the encouragement that I would like to leave you with is let's move forward in the gospel and move into more healthier ways of relating to others.Again, I appreciate you listening and I look forward to you tuning in to the next episode.Thanks for tuning in to the Prodigal Journey where we celebrate Christ's power through our weakness.This podcast is available on all major platforms, so be sure you go and subscribe or leave us a review.Also, if you'd like to reach out, you can reach me Ben at the prodigal journey.com that's Ben at the prodigal journey.com tune in next time to the Prodigal Journey.The commercials at the beginning of the podcast are pre generated by the audio hosting site and do not necessarily reflect the views of the Journey Podcast Network.