TPJ02 | Don't Flirt With Sin | Brett Porter | 12.14.20

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Welcome to the prodigal journey.This is a safe place for us to be vulnerable and share our stories and is also a place for us to experience the grace of God and other people's journeys as well. Today we will be joined by Brett Porter.He is a friend and was actually one of my co leaders when I went through regen at our church for the first time. Don't go anywhere. We'll be right back to talk to Brett.

Dying for the sins of every man. It is done. Conque on the cross through the son of God. The son of man.

Brett, thanks for joining us today and it's great to have you on the show. How are you doing?

Doing well, Ben. Thanks for. Thanks for having me. It was. Been looking forward to it.

All right. Yeah, we've been trying to get this scheduled for a while. Our schedules just haven't been matching up. So it's good to have you here.Now let's start with a little background. Where you, where are you originally from?

Yeah, so I originally grew up in a kind of in a small town about 30 minutes from here. Pattersville was born and raised and, and been an upstate South Carolina guy my whole life.

Okay. Clemson or Gamecocks?

Oh, don't even say that. Yeah, Clemson for sure.

All right. I just had to check. You never know sometimes. All right, so let's, let's just start.When would you say is when you had fully put your trust in Christ and when he had saved you?

Yeah, that's a great question. And I really think that it happened in college for me. I mean, I grew up in the church. I grew up going on mission trips.And I've said the Sinner's Prayer 10,000 times. But if you look at my life, especially before college, there, there really wasn't any fruit. There wasn't any marks of a believer.And so for me, that happened in college.

Okay, and about what time frame was that? Like what year?

Yeah, I was. So. I was a sophomore in college. And you know, in scripture, I think it's. I think it's Mark.Jesus, he says that he did not come for those who think that. That they are healthy or righteous, but for those who know that they are sinners or are sick.And so for me, my sophomore year in college, I just, I came to the end of myself and was tired of the lifestyle that I was living and, and was empty.

Okay, let's rewind a little bit back to about 2011. You had just graduated college with a marketing degree. What did it look like from there what were your plans?

Yeah, so I wanted to be a business owner. I knew that I wanted to do that, but I had no idea what being a business owner actually was. I thought.I thought it was like a lot of freedom and a lot of money and you didn't have anyone to hold you accountable or be responsible to. And turns out that is not what a successful business owner is or what it's about.

And.

And so. But nonetheless, I really wanted. I wanted to do that. I wanted a landscaping business of my own.

Okay, now, how would you say you convinced yourself to start a landscape business?I know in the, you know, we've talked a little bit and you had expressed, you know, at that time you had some feelings of being unsettled about making this decision. So what did that thought process look like to convince yourself even though you were feeling uneasy about it?

Yeah, so I really just told myself what I wanted to hear. And.And, you know, unfortunately, I believed that, but I told myself that there would be lots of freedom and, you know, I could just set my own schedule and apparently there would be beaucoups of money that would come in. And even though that, I felt in my spirit, that was not a good decision to be making at that time in my life. I really needed more structure.I needed to set up under some. Someone for a period of time. I didn't want that. I just. I wanted to do what I wanted to do.And so I told myself what I wanted to hear and ultimately led to my downfall not too long after.

Had you had any experience in landscape at all at that point or.

Yeah, so I told you I grew up in Pottersville. When. When you're from Pattersville, Piedmont area, it's kind of a somewhat of a redneck town.And so you either grow up selling used cars or cutting grass, and I just happened to do both. And so, yeah, I. Through high school and college, I'd worked for landscaping companies.And then whenever I got to college, I needed to also have a source of income. And so I was going to school full time, but I was also working full time.And so by the time I was getting ready to graduate, I probably had, you know, 10 or 15 folks who I was regularly maintaining their lawns and thought I could make a serious run at doing it for a living.

Okay, so let's fast forward a few months. You know, you've started the business, it's doing really well. Yet in your words, you considered the business to be a costly mistake.What does that mean? What did that look like for you?

Yeah, so the business was. It was doing well, I was making money, but at the same time, I was a fairly new believer.And so I began to sink all of my energy, time, resources into the business and really began to neglect my faith. And so, you know, I was over. Over identifying, over prioritizing everything with the business. And so, yeah, although it was doing well, I was not.

Okay.Had you been at that point, were you, you know, plugged into a local church somewhere, you know, during this initial time when you'd first started the business?

Yeah, so I was. I had friends and family around me. I was in somewhat of a serious relationship at the time and was definitely connected to a body of believers.But looking back, I think it's kind of like the song. I forget who sings it, but it was a slow fade for me. So, you know, I would start to skip community group one night because I was working late.And then, you know, that turned into being twice a month. And before you knew it, I was just separated and isolated from the body. Body just enough to where I started messing up.

How soon after that would you say is probably when you kind of started to have, you know, the struggles that we're going to talk about?

I would say six months. You know, six months to a year. I mean, fairly quickly. Really fairly quickly.

Okay. Yeah, let's talk a little bit about that and kind of walk through that now.What the first time that you had made the decision to take a pain pill, do you remember kind of what was going on in that moment and what your thought processes was Kind of walk us through what, what that first time looked like.

Yeah, so I had been working a lot.As I said, the business really started to do well, so I was putting in 60, 70 hours a week, and I was actually out at my aunt and uncle's house, and I was getting some equipment from them that I needed. And I just happened to open up the wrong drawer and I say, the wrong drawer because it was full of pain pills.And immediately, you know, the spirit convicted me. Turn and walk away. But in that moment, I began to negotiate. I mean, I remember where I was.I remember the conviction, but I began to negotiate with God. And I said, I mean, it's one. It's one pill. I'm working so much. This is going to help me tremendously to get through.And little did I know it wouldn't be just one pill.

Yeah, yeah.When, now, when this started to kind of become a struggle for you, did you have a support network around you that kind of tried to help you through that and try to help you out of it.

Yeah, I did, but. But you know how addicts can be. I mean, very manipulative.And I think I had withdrawn so much from folks that they knew, especially family, knew something wasn't right, but still, I was able to kind of mask it and continue like. Like they were crazy. They were the crazy ones for thinking that something wasn't right.

Yeah.

You know, everything was fine. Look at the business, it's going well.And at that point, because I did have some financial resources, I was able to kind of string along this bad season longer than I would have if. If I. If I didn't have any money, you know?

Yeah, yeah, I've noticed that for sure in. In my life as well. I mean, no matter really what.What addiction or whatever it is you're struggling with, I mean, you just start to pull back and disconnect from everything and everybody. And I mean, you can keep it up for a little bit, but eventually it just. Everything comes crashing down at some point. So. So you would.You would say that you probably weren't very accepting of their help.

Yeah, that's an accurate statement for sure. I. And that was the thing. I remember when I first was. Some of this came out and I was exposed, and my dad just. I mean, he was a wreck. He broke down.He knew something was wrong, but he had no idea that I was where I was with taking the pain pills. And so I remember him pleading with me, as a matter of fact, he was.He was sitting on the couch, he said, you know, Brit, I'm about to have a heart attack. You gotta tell me what's going on. And I told him I wanted help. I told him what I was going through and that I wanted help.But truthfully, I just kind of wanted them to get off me a little bit and some of the consequences to go away. I wasn't really wanting to change.

Yeah. So eventually this. I mean, this became pretty big struggle for you that it led to some legal. Legal stuff for you as well, correct?

Absolutely. Yeah. So, yeah, I got involved in criminal activity. I mean, the. The. The pain pills are expensive. They really are. And.And So I had 150 to 200 a day habit. And that's no exaggeration. And so when I tell the story about my dad sitting on the couch saying, hey, I'm about to have a heart attack.What's going on here? He had actually seen me hide a bag full of goods that he knew was not mine when I came home one night. And so he Went and uncovered those from.From where I'd hid him and came inside. And, yeah, he didn't know what to do. He's like, where did you get this stuff? What is going on?And that was really kind of when there was no more hiding at that point, you know, there was. There was no more hiding.

Okay. Now, it's interesting that we're, you know, we're having this conversation after the last couple weeks at church.I mean, not in a row, but there's been a couple weeks that, you know, some of our messages have coincided with godly sorrow versus worldly sorrow. And I know that's been a huge challenge for me. So I think it's really connected to this.And so when we think about that and where you were at this time in this story, what did the court process look like for you? I mean, what types of things were you feeling about God? You know, the consequences you were possibly facing?Did you feel like it was more of a worldly sorrow at that point?

Yeah, I mean, it definitely. None of that was fun, right? I mean, it was. It was helpful.I remember the first time the sheriff's office showed up at my house and, you know, they wanted to search the house.And I remember running upstairs in my room, dropping to my knees and, I mean, you know, praying one of these, God, please get me out of this and I promise I'll change kind of prayers. And he answered that prayer. It was just through the form of some handcuffs. And, you know, that's not what I wanted.But that was the first time that I had really gotten in trouble and was faced with some consequences from all of this.And so as much as worldly sorrow was in that, I was almost a little bit relieved, too, because being a believer, I knew that I was not on the right path, you know, and I needed help. I really needed help. And. And there was no running from it at this point. I mean, it was. It was time to actually, you know, receive some help.

So when you decided that to get some help, I mean, was that something that they had initially, you know, that you just had to do through the court process, or did you kind of decide, hey, I need to do this, I'm going to get some rehab.

Yeah. So, no, I had not been to rehab at that point, and this is definitely a point in my life that kind of. It was a catalyst, if you will, for. For rehab.And we started having some of those conversations. But Anderson county allowed me to join a program where, if I completed it, they would expunge the charges that I had been brought in for.And so I can't remember what. What it was called at the time. But long story short, I didn't go to rehab.I figured I would just continue to work, kick this habit myself, complete the little program that they offered me, and then I would get on with it. But lo and behold, I stole some more stuff and was terminated from that program and was faced with a lot of jail time.And so I thought that it was real, and I thought that I was at rock bottom. But then, you know, it really got real after that. And so that's when conversations about, okay, you really can't do this on your own began to happen.And I sought counsel after that.

Okay, now, after you had finished the. That rehab program, in talking with you, I know you had said a couple months after that you had had a relapse. What did that look like for you?And, you know, what kind of led you through that process to. To kind of get back?

So one thing that comes when you're. When you're in an inpatient treatment program or rehab is a safe environment, usually.And so although someone can be broken and ready to change, you still don't have the same level of temptation right. When you're in a safe place and in a program as you do when you leave. And so this being my first program, first of all, it felt like a life sentence.I mean, it was like it told me I had to go somewhere for 60 days, and I thought, oh, my gosh, I might as well just kiss everybody goodbye. I'm never getting out of this place. It was too much. You know, not that long, realistically.But I get there, and really, I feel like I was sincere and genuine about wanting the help that they were offering. But. But, yeah, when I got out, man, I fell quick and I fell hard.I mean, you know, two months after I completed that program, I was putting a needle in my arm, and I had never done that prior to that, to that first program. And I told myself that I never would, and I honestly believed that I really did.

But.

But, yeah, when I. When I came out, I didn't go back to the pills. I went right to the needle.

Okay. Yeah, I. When I think about my own things in my life and my story.I had shared this in the first episode as part of my story, but when, you know, you said you had crossed the line, they had always said, oh, I'll never do that. But I feel like. And I've seen it in my own life, just where. I mean, when we keep.Just Moving down a destructive path, it just numbs our moral compass so bad that it just blurs everything to us. And we start doing things we never thought we would do.

And it's just.

I can't remember who made this statement, but one thing I always heard growing up was, sin will take you farther than you want to go and keep you longer than you want to stay. Yeah.

And I think make you pay way more than you ever wanted to pay.

Yeah.

Yeah. For sure. So familiar.

Now, towards the end of about 2014, you know, you said, you know, things continue to get worse. You know, you had resorted back to some decisions, you know, still some criminal activity. You know, what had happened at that point.

Yeah. So, as I said earlier, it's an expensive habit.And so, you know, when I got on the needle, and it's funny, I told myself, and I'd honestly believe this, that I was going to safeguard myself by. By getting on the needle. I told myself, because I. I did not like that at all, that it would prevent me from doing it time and time again.I mean, just craziest reasoning. But. So when I'm. When I make that transition, I start to do that. I. Shortly. Shortly after that, I quit my job. And, I mean, I just.It's like trying to tame this dragon that was untamable, you know, and so I. I was willing to do whatever it took to. To get what I needed.

And.

And so I would wake up in the morning and I'd constantly just be scheming. And I remember at one point getting to a spot where my dad agreed to have a conversation with me.And I got in the truck with him and we're riding around and I mean, it was so bad at this point, I couldn't meet him at my house because authorities were kind of watching that. And. And so he decided to meet me up at a shopping center.And I jump in the car and we're riding around, and me not even knowing, but I'm turning around, constantly looking in garages as we're going down the road. And he stopped me and said, son, do you see? Do you even realize what you're doing? And honestly, I didn't.I mean, my dad's in the car, and here I'm looking over my shoulder when we're passing stuff going down the road. So at that point, I mean, I was really out of control.And I think folks went from being just kind of alarmed and worried and wanting to help me to really being scared for me and thinking that, hey, man, he might not make it out of this.

Yeah, yeah. And in Regen, you know, in the programs at church, we talk a lot about. It's.It's saturated with a lot about a good support network, mentors, people that walk through these things with you and just surrounding ourselves with good accountability. And I know you had said at one point that, you know, you weren't living at home, you were kind of going through a detox stage.You had asked your dad to come home, and he said no. And I feel like on the surface, that may seem like he was not being a very good support for you, but, like, what did that do for you when he said no?

Forced me to really get help, you know, And. And. And I mean, my supply line was cut off at that point. He was always my safety net. So I thought, even though.Even when things get really, really bad, I can call on him and I can. I can at least have a place to lay my head, you know, and so that's. That night, specifically. Things hadn't gone well. That. That week.I was at the end of my rope. I had no more money. I'd already been living kind of out of my car, and I was about to go through some withdrawals, and, you know, I had.I had no money to get the dope. And so I called him and said, man, please, you know, if you'll let me come home tomorrow, I really will get some help.

Right?

And, I mean, I was. I was just so sick, and I didn't want to go through another night in my car like that. And.And he said, this is going to hurt me more than it's going to hurt you. But, no. And that was on a Friday night. And then by. By Tuesday of that next week, I was.I was actually checking into Miracle Hill Homes of Hope, which at that time was kind of my second program. But it was more long term. It was seven months of inpatient, intensive inpatient care versus the first program that was a little bit more short term.

Yeah, I mean, when I think of, like, parents or family members having to say that to another family member, I've been thinking, you know, a lot about that lately, and I was thinking about last. I think it was last week in the message where he had. He had made. Said the phrase that sometimes acceptance is not loving someone.And that was just huge for me.And I was thinking about that when we were kind of talking about that for your story and just how, you know, it seems like he was not loving you, but if he had been accepting and kept enabling you, it was just pushing you farther and farther down that path. So I just thought that was an interesting connection.

Yeah, absolutely. Looking back on that, on that night specifically, was one of the most critical points.I honestly don't know if, if he, if he had said yes, where I'd be today. I mean, I really don't.

Yeah.When you think about the program you went through at Miracle Hill, and I don't know how, I don't know much about that program or how similar it is to our regen program, but when you think about those two programs, what would you say? What part of those programs was the most healing or revealing for you?

So definitely step four. You get to step four. Okay. So Miracle seven month long term inpatient.By the time you get to step four, you've been there for a couple of months and so you've sobered up, you've. You've accepted the fact that you really do need help.Hopefully you're at the point where you're willing, you know, to receive it and begin to work through some, some of the steps. Seriously. So when you get to step four, you, you get to peel back a layer and look inside. And that was critical for me. I think.I was so scared what I would find, and I was. But at the same time, you get to discover the whys behind why we do what we do.And as much as that can be difficult to look at and to face, to acknowledge and to begin to work through, I remember on the other side being freed up because now I'm. Although I still have blind spots, I don't have as many and, you know, can begin to truly find some, some healing.And then, and then honestly, step 10, step 10 for me was great too, because it reminded me to continue in that process, to take, you know, daily inventory and, and to practice amends and, and everything else.

Okay, now you. You, after completing that program with, you know, the Homes of Hope, you. Was it, I think about 2015, you had started an internship with them?

Yeah.

What did that, what did that look like you, what did it teach you? What did you take away from that?

Yeah, a lot. It's kind of funny. I. So the whole reason I went to Homes of Hope and stayed with them for a year was because I wanted to learn a trade.I needed to learn a trade. At that point I developed this criminal background.And although I had a college education, I also had a criminal background and they kind of X'd each other out. You know, nobody was jumping to hire me.And so I went to Homes of Hope because I heard that There was an opportunity for me to learn a trade and, you know, build four homes, learn general construction, and ultimately be able to pursue a career in electrical work if I wanted to. That was very appealing to me. The other part of that was the discipleship part of the program at Homes of Hope.And so I knew at that point that I wasn't quite ready to go back into the real world. I'd accepted that, and I knew that I needed some more recovery time.And Homes of Hope was a feeling because you have a little more freedom, but there's still structure there. And I knew that I really needed that.And so, you know, I went there for a year, stayed, continue to grow in my relationship with Christ and, and learn the skill, learn more about me, what long term recovery looked like. And. And so from start to finish, I had a year and seven months between Miracle Hill and Homes of Hope of intensive recovery. And.And I had been going through Anderson County Drug Court program at that same time because I had not been released yet from them. And so one of the best decisions I ever made, though.

Okay, all right, well, let's kind of tie this all together.I know this sometimes is a hard question to think through and answer, because sometimes there's just so many lessons packed into, you know, our stories. But as we think about this, is there any type of encouragement you can offer to listeners on their journey?Is there anything that stands out to you as maybe the biggest thing that God has taught you through your journey so far?

Yeah. Don't flirt with sin. I mean, you know, even in my own walk today, I feel like I want to. Sometimes I feel like sin is the reward. So if I have a great.I string together a great day or two or week of good behavior, then I can reward myself with some simple pleasure. And that's sick, and that's messed up thinking, but that's the honest truth.And so if there's anything I've learned looking back at that day one at my aunt and uncle's house, opening up that drawer, see those pills, and I began to negotiate right in that moment, I began to flirt and see how close I could get to the edge. And I thought I could overcome it.And man, you know, I'm 10 years down the road and still paying and suffering from the consequences that would ensue from that one decision.

Yeah. So. Okay.

Yeah.

Awesome. Well, Brett, I appreciate you joining us today.I appreciate your willingness to be vulnerable and just kind of share parts of your journey with listeners.I feel like there may be someone, you know, who listens to this and can identify with things that you've walked through, lessons you've learned, and the ways God's shown you grace. And I just pray that that can be a help to people because, I mean, that's the whole purpose of this podcast as we walk through our journeys together.So thanks for joining us, Brett.

Absolutely. Thank you, man.

All right, everybody listening. Thanks for tuning in. Be sure to subscribe to the podcast and share it with others.We are available on Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts. There's also donation links if you'd like to support and help keep the podcast going. You can reach me, ben@theprodigaljourney.com all right.Tune in next time to the Prodigal Journey.