Spiritual Abuse Part 2
The Issue
Words matter. The more I talk to people about their experiences of spiritual abuse, I have started to realize how important words are and how important it is for us to define what we mean. It seems like we have gotten away from an understanding of what someone is saying or what exactly they mean, and we allow people to casually throw words around and not be accountable for what they say. One word can be the difference between healing and trauma.
Let me explain. When someone says, “I care about you,” what comes to your mind? Take a few seconds to process that statement and specific details as to what it means.
Now, let’s switch the wording by just one word. When someone says, “I care for you,” what comes to your mind? Was it similar to the first statement, or does it bring to mind a completely different set of circumstances?
We often confuse the two and think that they are the same, but they are vastly different. One is biblical and one is not the model we see in Scripture. Caring for someone exists on a deeper level and is personal and sacrificial while caring about someone exists on a superficial level and can breed actions of insincerity and self focus. Caring about someone doesn’t really exist in tangent with caring for someone, but caring for someone is all encompassing and includes caring about someone. See the difference?
Let’s look at an example from the Bible and see how this plays out.
Truth
Luke 10:25-37 provides a clear example of each statement above. If you are not familiar with the story, let me briefly recap. A Jewish man was traveling from Jerusalem to Jericho and was attacked by bandits. He is stripped of his clothes, beaten, and left for dead. At some point a priest comes along and sees the Jewish man lying there, but the priest crosses to the other side of the road and passes by him. Then, a temple assistant comes along. He actually walks over to the man, looks at him lying there, but he also passes by on the other side.
But wait, there’s more! (I can’t turn down an opportunity to use that phrase). Now we have a Samaritan who comes along. If you aren’t familiar with the history between Jews and Samaritans, they did not get along during this time, and it even says in the passage, “a despised Samaritan…” This is important in the story because it is giving us a window into the character of the Samaritan man to stop and care for a Jewish man when society forbids them to interact.
The Samaritan stops, soothes the wounds of the Jewish man, and bandages them. Let’s stop to think about that for a second. We aren’t given a glimpse into any dialogue between the two, which perhaps the Jewish man was not able to because of the extent of his wounds. But a man who was despised by Jews was willing to push aside personal comfort and his own safety in order to care for a man that could have very well hated him. Furthermore, the Samaritan put him on his donkey and took him to an inn to continue taking care of him. When the Samaritan had to leave, he set the Jewish man up to be cared for by someone else!
I have no doubt that the priest and temple assistant cared about the Jewish man. At some basic level, they cared about him as a human being because they noticed him. They both saw the man, but they didn’t really see the man. They were sympathetic enough to notice the man, but they had no empathy to look past themselves and care for the Jewish man’s wounds (We did a podcast episode on Sympathy vs Empathy which you can find here).
We aren’t given details into where the priest and temple assistant were headed, so we have to think through that too. Something they deemed more important kept them from staying to help the Jewish man. Maybe they were headed home from a long day at the temple, serving God. Maybe they didn’t stop to help because they were rushing to the temple; too busy doing “God’s work” to stop and love their neighbor. It’s possible they could have thought it was beneath them to stop and help this dying man, that God called them to bigger and better things with their time like teaching the Scriptures. Again, we don’t really know, but the fact that Jesus inserted titles for these men, should force us to stop and consider the reasons they didn’t stop to care for a man who was badly beaten.
Application
This passage can speak deeply to the hearts of people who have experienced spiritual abuse and neglect. Lately, I have been able to identify with the man left for dead. Maybe you are still waiting for someone to care for you. Or perhaps you are farther down the road (pun intended!) and you have experienced the love and care of someone stopping to bandage your wounds. No matter where you are on your healing journey from spiritual abuse, we can all identify with the Jewish man. But, there are times when we have been the priest or temple assistant. At some point, if and when we realize the extent of hurt we may have caused someone by leaving them on the side of the road, we can better understand the hurt when it has happened to us, and we can change our thought process and our hearts can change in order to better care for others.
When we realize what God has done in our own lives, saving and redeeming us, then we can truly care for others. If we are not caring for others, then perhaps we have not fully realized the extent of what God has done for us. I truly believe you cannot care for and shepherd people you do not love, and you cannot care for and shepherd people that you are afraid of. That really hits hard and is very convicting as I am sitting here reading that out loud. If I am not caring for someone, it means I don’t love that person. That may make your spiritual abuse wounds sting even more because it means you were not loved by those called to spiritually care for (love) you.
The priest and temple assistant are representative of the leaders we encounter in spiritual abuse; leaders who are driven by selfish ambition, their own unhealed wounds, church programs, overcommitments, sin, pride, arrogance, or any other manner of things that lead them to walk on the other side of the road, away from those who are hurting and broken. As Jesus is telling this story, imagine what the religious leader is thinking as Jesus says that a Samaritan helped a Jewish man. It had to shake them to the core because of their societal treatment of the Samaritans. Jesus was challenging their hearts and what it truly meant to love their neighbor. A command, which in turn is a command to love God with all our heart, soul, strength and mind.
Reflection
Let's think through some questions:
- When has someone cared about me, rather than for me? What was a marked difference between the two experiences?
- How can I care more for people than about people? What plans, tasks, agendas, etc. are unnecessarily in my life that I can cut out to have the margin to care more for people?
- If I have been, or are currently, in a position of power and authority, what would it look like to care for those whom God has given to me?
- As a leader in a position of power and authority, have I asked those I’m responsible for whether they feel cared for by me? If I haven’t, why not? What process or people do I need to put into place to hold me accountable?
What if the Samaritan had not stopped to care for the wounded man? Author Rebecca Davis tells a different spin on this story in her blog post entitled “New Church Parable of The Good Samaritan” and you can find it here. It is a spin that has some sarcasm, and I’m thankful for her honesty. You might read her post and think that it sounds crazy and that there’s no way it could actually happen. But sadly, for many of us, it is more than a story and reflects what we have actually experienced.
I pray that this will be an encouragement to you in your healing. Please reach out if you would like prayer or want to share your experience. We are here to listen; ben@theprodigaljourney.com.
